Waiting for change

Waiting around for change isn’t easy. The end of slavery took years, the end of the British empire even longer and well don’t let me ramble on. But, change on a small scale can take just as long, I mean learning to trust again after it being broken isn’t easy but you know, you manage within time. Same with depression, it enters your thoughts and your being, everything becomes harder.

The nightmares have started to come back, I don’t know if it’s moving back to my student house which is bringing them on. Davids also saying im tossing and turning a lot more in bed when im asleep. Thats not a good thing because I may not remember my dreams but I think I get a lot of them throughout the night. I’ve had depression for a few years now, maybe longer because this feeling seems so familliar. Maybe I was depressed at school and the bombings just exemplified it but I dont know. Frankly I don’t care. Its part of me and sometimes I wonder if its consumed me. I keep trying to stay positive, the doctor said I was thinking a lot more clearly but its hard you know. How can you rebuild your life after someones broken it to pieces.

It’s so hard to get up every morning knowing that maybe you lived in someone elses place. Then you have to forget about it but the only cure to that is keeping very busy, and by that I mean no time to yourself at all. The screams never stop and the thoughts of guilt and I could have done this or that don’t help. How can you live with all the memories? I thought that I would live for each day now I’ve been through that. Well thats what everyone tells me. But you can’t, the guilt, the endless guilt never fades.

I work so hard to make others happy, so they dont feel what I do. To smile when I can not. I mean, its become harder now I’ve lost a friend and well one still refuses to contact me. I hurt inside daily, and no matter how many cups of tea, or celery sticks I eat, or cuddles, the pain never fades. Thats the problem with me, no matter what I do to change, it doesnt happen. I’m waiting for that change, the one day without guilt. But it hasn’t come, not in years.

I forgive the bombers for what they’ve done to me, I don’t hate them but feel pity, nothing but pity. I know they have ruined so many lives that day but what comes from being angry. I don’t know but I’ve never hated them but some part of me wishes I could have stopped them, by chatting to them. But life doesnt work out like that. I don’t want to hate anyone to be honest, there was so much hate in my life. I mean my parents would argue and argue and it is obvious they detest each other, but it hasn’t solved anything. They still fight and they still hate. At least this way I can try and understand. Hate doesnt allow room for understanding.

Waiting for change isn’t easy, it may not come or it may do. But I try and wait for that time, as hard as I can. I have to keep clinging on to the thought that one day things will change. Change for the better. But if it doesn’t come, at least I didn’t get my hopes up… (too much anyway)

Nimi x

~ by nimis on January 7, 2009.